Applying to universities has done a lot for me in the sense of— ah, who the hell am I kidding. Applying to universities have done nothing but make me feel insecure and anxiety. However, while filling out some financial aid forms, I have discovered exactly what I want my profession to be.
I want to be the United States Ambassador to the United Nations. Sounds pretentious as fuck, yeah? It might sound pretentious, but I can at least recognize that my goal to become an Ambassador to the United Nations is ambitious, foolish, far-fetched, and unrealistic.
I have a lot I want my future profession to encompass:
I want to make a lot of money. I want to be able to work with people all over the world. I want to change the world. I want to travel often.
Well… maybe that isn’t a lot. But it’s too specific and not a whole lot of jobs offer these perks to their workers.
From all that I have read, I want to be on the United Nations Security Council. First off, that branch of the U.N. sounds cool as shit. How cool would it be to say, “I am a permanent member of the Security Council.” The word “council” has a certain flair to it. Secondly, they maintain international peace and security. To be honest, they aren’t doing their job, and I think that I am bold enough to make sure that things don’t get out of hand (like they have in Libya, Syria, Rwanda, Iraq, etc.). I don’t do this whole “let’s play favorites and protect only our allies” game. Nuh-uh - last time I checked, life is not Life, and unlike Life, life not a game. If it was, I would’ve retired or pressed the “restart” button already.
The only problem I see with becoming a politician is that I’ve done far too much controversial shit in my life. But who knows - maybe the future whom-ever-I-need-to-impress-to-have-this-profession will respect the fact that I am a real individual who makes mistakes or isn’t ashamed of who they are and what they’ve done. The people who do cover everything up have put the world in the condition it is in currently, after all.
NOTHING is better than a good work out… Nothing at all.
Except for maybe home-cooked meals… and laughter… happiness, freedom, liberals, being loved, getting good grades, standing up for what you believe in, acceptance, opportunity, adrenaline rushes, and sex (though I wouldn’t know anything about that)… But other than those things, absolutely nothing…
I wish I felt less than I do. I’m tied so much to my emotions that within a five minute period I can go from feeling on top of the world to feeling… scared? insecure? I don’t even really understand what exactly triggered the mood shift. But I’ll write it out to try and localize it.
I was with a few of my friends for a few hours, and I left because I had to do Integration homework for class tomorrow. When I got to my room, I saw that one of my good friends visited, which made me happier than I already was. I walked into my room and checked my phone. I had a few texts - some from my extracurricular sponsor, some from my supposed best friend (I don’t even know what to call relationship anymore).
Essentially, our meeting has been moved to tomorrow because “something came up.” My “best friend” is a leader of this CAS as well… Maybe it was the fact that he assumed that I didn’t want to have the meeting today even though our sponsor wasn’t going to be there. Maybe it was the fact that he told me I should send the e-mail. It’s petty, I suppose, but I always send the e-mails, the reminders, etc. I don’t know what would’ve been so difficult for him to do so, especially when he had the time to text me about it, but I know that I do not have all of the time in the world. I am not leading the extracurricular by myself.
I think my emotions are stemming from the fact that this kid isn’t fake in the “right” way. He tells me that there is no need to be insecure about our friendship, yet he is so quick to decline any invitations I offer to hang out with him (and it’s not even a polite declination). He visits me if it is an absolute necessity. He actually visited my roommate today because he had to, but didn’t bother to write on my board. Again, it sounds petty, but when dealing with someone you are fond of, it’s the little things that matter. He verbally lies about our friendship, but actions show something different.
My mom says that people are around for a reason, season, or lifetime. I believe he was around for a reason. He helped me become so much more comfortable with my sexuality, which I am grateful for. It is just hard to let go of someone who you thought was going to be around for a while.
Luckily enough, I have made new friends this past school year. Most visit me just as less as he does, but they seem to enjoy my company and readily accept any invites I give them to do whatever.
My feelings could also stem from the fact that I’m very unsure about what my future will hold. There is this guy I know who just received the opportunity to meet so many influential people in the American government. I am happy for him, but I am also jealous. Both of us want to be politicians, and he’s really setting himself up nicely because, unfortunately, networking is one of the few ways to get anywhere in politics. He’s a junior, and I’m a “senior.” Thinking on it, I didn’t even think to apply to such a program, let alone have I had the time to apply. Still, it frightens me.
I am told I should be excited for the next chapter in my life (university), but it’s hard to be when I turned in four college applications late and I’m not secure about five of them because I had to rush. I don’t want to be stuck in Michigan. I don’t want to be stuck at a school that I feel I’ll be unhappy at. I don’t know how people get through this time. But I keep praying. At least the dreams I’ve had about college have stopped.
And for crying out loud, the fucking hand soap in the dorms make my hands smell weird! I hate it!