“The moment you become aware of the ego in you, it is strictly speaking no longer the ego, but just an old, conditioned mind-pattern. Ego implies unawareness. Awareness and ego cannot coexist.”—Eckhart Tolle (via lazyyogi)
It’s hard being away. It has been less than 48 hours, and I already miss everyone… But not nearly as much as I should. It hasn’t sunk in yet that I won’t be hanging out with the same people on a daily basis, nor that I won’t be seeing the same 199 faces daily as well. I think I’m still grasping onto some hope that I will see the bitter, bitchy Swedish guy or the short, sweet Vietnamese girl passing by me; I will no longer have to focus on not making eye contact with the person I’ve come closest to having a no-explanation-for-our-hatred-for-one-another relationship with or force a small smile or nod or half-hearted greeting from my exhausted being.
The amount of time I have been away from civilization is astounding… five months. Okay, it’s not that long, but it seems like it. I was shocked by people walking outside, I was sort of shocked by the traffic, I was shocked by seeing people, not know their names, their stories. I’ve become slightly dismayed by the routine, mundane schedule I will need to abide to for three months. Work, probably do something illegal or liberal or adult, eat constantly (so that I’m always full… I need to gain that weight back), see people, most of whom only keep me around for the sake of politeness and convenience (or with the hopes that they can preserve what was their youth). I’m so nervous to see them… Mom says they’re the same, but it’s difficult to sense sincerity in most of them; it’s difficult to think that we might be living in two completely different dimensions now.
The amount of freedom I have at home is shocking. Getting checked at 9:30, curfew, attendance… gone. I have a car now, that can use whenever. I asked my mom if I could go to Canada for a weekend to celebrate my best friend’s birthday - she just told me to not tell my sister who will use it as an excuse to go whatever the fuck she wants. I’m nineteen years old, dude. I’ve been on my own for two years, I’ve gotten myself into a kick-ass college… I’m treated like an adult… My mom asks me what my plans are for the day, asking if I’m planning on taking the car - I no longer have to give her a few days/a week heads up. Thankfully I’m not so grown up that my mom is itching to get me off of her cell phone plan… That’s the situation for others. This is what it feels like to be an adult… I’ve never experienced it before; I turned nineteen at a boarding school where we were looked at as adults but treated as children. This brings a whole other bucket of issues, though. I now have to try and establish a CV and secure a future for my old-ass-self… I have to contribute to society, try to help it, become a consumer and do my part to establish not only economic growth, but economic development.
I’ve never been so excited and so frightened at the same time. Before I know it, I’ll be expected to get married and have a family. I’m not ready for that, even the thought of it. I mean, I have to find someone to date me first; I wish myself luck. I’ll be meeting 2.5k new people in three months, and I’ll need to establish who I am all over again. It’s super bitter-sweet, and I hope I can recreate myself in my image. I also hope I can find someone with my taste in music :p.
You really felt the need to take my wet clothes out of the washer at four ‘o clock in the morning? Yeah? When there were at least three other open washers, you were too lazy to walk seven feet to the open washer; you needed the first one? You’re lucky that I just woke up and don’t have the heart to put your wet clothing all over the dirty ass laundry room floor. I hope you wake up late, and I hope that by the time you get to your wet clothes that are sitting in your basket nextto the washer (as to blatant indicator that I’m pissed), they have a mildew smell and you have to rewash them. I hope that by the time that you realize that you need to rewash them, all of the washers are taken.